Fantasy vs. desire

A fantasy is something that turns you on to imagine. A desire is something you actually want to happen. Treating the two as one thing causes a lot of avoidable trouble.

Some people chase a fantasy into a situation they did not want and find out too late. Others bury one for years out of fear that it means something about them.

The line is not fixed

A fantasy can grow into a genuine desire over time, and the two overlap more than the neat split suggests. Someone can want the idea of a thing and not the logistics of it, or want it with one person and not another, or want it only as a story told out loud in the dark.

What matters is knowing which one you are dealing with right now, and being allowed to change your answer later.

Talking about it without it becoming a demand

This is where couples get stuck. Saying a fantasy out loud can land as a request, and then the other person is busy deciding whether to agree to something instead of hearing what was said.

Two things help. Name which one it is as you say it: „this is a fantasy, I am not asking for it.“ And put a day or two between the telling and any deciding, so that nobody has to respond on the spot.

Couples who manage to talk about fantasy without it turning into a negotiation get a surprising amount back. Often what changes is not what they do, but how much of each other they get to see.

Where this work happens: For Individuals · Related reading: When one of you wants more sex than the other · Back to the sexuality glossary

RelatingWise offers coaching and education, not therapy. Anything that needs clinical care belongs with a therapist; Patricia works as one in her own practice at patricia-heinis.de.

A note on who this is for: we write in terms of couples and partners for simplicity, but this is for every gender, orientation, and relationship form, and for you and whoever you love.