Masculinity and men’s work glossary
The vocabulary that comes up in work with men, explained plainly and without the mystique that usually surrounds it.
Men’s work
Structured, deliberate work on the parts of being a man that most men were never taught to examine: emotional range, sexual confidence, provider identity, how you show up under pressure. This is coaching, with clear goals and practice between sessions. It is neither therapy nor a retreat with drums. Men who do this work are building capacity they were never given. And to draw one line clearly: this has nothing to do with the online universe of hypermasculinity influencers that recent documentaries have put on screen. We work in the opposite direction.* *This is written for everyone who identifies as a man, cisgender or not.
Where this work happens: For Individuals
Grounded masculinity
A version of masculinity that does not need to perform: steady under pressure, direct without being harsh, strong without needing to prove it constantly. It’s built through practice: staying present in hard conversations, naming what you want instead of managing everyone around you to get it. None of it is a personality type. It is a set of skills any man can build. You can also think of it as mature masculinity: the work of growing the immature parts up, so you can stand steadier for yourself, your community, and the people around you.
Where this work happens: For Individuals
Emotional availability (for men)
The capacity to stay present with your own feelings and your partner’s, without shutting down, deflecting with humor, or disappearing into work. Most men were never taught this. They were taught to solve, provide, or exit. Building it is concrete: noticing what you feel in the moment, saying it out loud, staying in the room when it’s uncomfortable. It’s the single biggest lever for closeness in a relationship.
Where this work happens: For Individuals
Sexual shame
The quiet belief that your desires, your body, or your past make you inadequate or wrong, often carried since adolescence and never spoken to anyone. It shows up as avoidance, over-performance, or checking out during sex entirely. Naming it out loud, in a room built for it, is usually the first time it has been said at all. The work is rebuilding a relationship with your own sexuality that isn’t run by fear.
Where this work happens: For Individuals
Performance anxiety
The pressure to “perform” in bed, to get and stay hard, to last, to satisfy, ends up sabotaging the exact thing it’s trying to protect. It is mostly men who run into this and who feel it most sharply, though nobody is immune. It’s common, it’s rarely about attraction to your partner, and it responds well to direct work: shifting focus from output to presence, and rebuilding trust in your own body instead of monitoring it. Coaching here stays practical.
Where this work happens: For Individuals
Nervous-system regulation in conflict
What happens in your body during a fight matters as much as what you say: racing heart, flooding, the urge to attack or flee. Men are often taught to override this instead of working with it, which turns arguments into blowups or shutdowns. Women are often taught to keep the peace and swallow it, which costs just as much. No matter your gender, we teach concrete tools to notice activation early, slow it down, and stay in the conversation instead of leaving it, physically or emotionally.
Where this work happens: For Couples
Provider identity beyond earning
For many men, “providing” got reduced to a paycheck, and everything else, presence, partnership, desire, got deprioritized to protect it. This work rebuilds a fuller definition: providing safety, attention, and steadiness alongside income. Men who only measure themselves by earning often find connection and sex the first things to erode. Redesigning the identity is the fix. Working harder at the old one is not.
Where this work happens: For Individuals
RelatingWise offers coaching and education, not therapy. Anything that needs clinical care belongs with a therapist; Patricia works as one in her own practice at patricia-heinis.de.
A note on who this is for: we write in terms of couples and partners for simplicity, but this applies just as much to every gender, orientation, and relationship form, whatever fits your individual situation.