Relationship glossary
The words couples reach for when something in the relationship stops working, explained plainly. Each entry links to where that work actually happens.
Desire discrepancy
One partner wants sex more often than the other, and it is the single most common reason couples end up in our coaching practice. This is not a diagnosis, and nobody is at fault. It is a mismatch that gets managed rather than eliminated. Left unaddressed, it curdles into resentment, rejection, and silence. We help couples name the gap honestly, separate the numbers question from the connection question, and build a working agreement neither partner is quietly settling into. Read the full entry.
Where this work happens: For Couples
Responsive vs. spontaneous desire
Spontaneous desire shows up on its own; responsive desire needs context to switch on: touch, closeness, the right mood. Neither is right or wrong; both are natural ways desire can show up, and most long-term couples are mismatched on this axis. Confusing the two is what makes people think their partner “doesn’t want them” when the truth is they want different on-ramps. Understanding your own pattern, and your partner’s, changes what you build toward in the bedroom. Read the full entry.
Where this work happens: For Couples · For Individuals
Dead bedroom / low-sex relationship
A relationship where sex has quietly stopped, usually after years of small avoidances stacking up rather than one blowup. Couples often wait too long to name it because it feels shameful to say out loud. Attraction is rarely the cause. Usually it is unresolved conflict, exhaustion, or disconnection that found the path of least resistance. We help couples get specific about how it happened and rebuild from there, deliberately.
Where this work happens: For Couples
Rupture and repair
Every relationship can rupture, sometimes over something as small as a sharp word in the wrong moment, a missed signal, a broken promise. Whether a couple lasts depends less on the absence of rupture or conflict than on whether repair actually happens, and is done well. Repair is a learnable skill: naming the hurt, taking responsibility without collapsing into shame, and rebuilding trust in specific, visible ways. Couples who never learn to repair do not fight less. They just stop trying.
Where this work happens: For Couples
Bids for connection
A bid is a small reach for attention, a comment, a glance, a question, asking “are you with me?” Relationships are built on whether these tiny bids get noticed and answered, far more than on grand gestures. Partners who consistently turn away from each other’s bids, even without conflict, drift. We teach couples to catch bids in real time and practice turning toward them on purpose.
Where this work happens: For Couples
Attachment styles (secure and insecure: anxious / avoidant)
The wiring you developed early for handling closeness and distance. Secure partners can hold both without panic; the insecure styles pull in opposite directions, with anxious partners chasing reassurance and avoidant partners creating space. These patterns show up hardest during conflict, when they clash instead of complement. Naming your style gives you a map for predicting your own reactions, rather than a label to hide behind, and building a relationship that works around them.
Where this work happens: For Couples
Reconnection after distance
The deliberate work of closing a gap that opened over months or years: different schedules, unspoken resentment, parenting, work. Reconnection doesn’t happen by accident or by waiting for things to “get back to normal.” It requires naming what pulled you apart, rebuilding trust in small increments, and deciding together what closeness will look like next. Couples who wait for the feeling to return first usually wait a long time.
Where this work happens: For Couples
Staying vs. leaving
The question underneath every stuck relationship: is this worth rebuilding, is it time to go, or is there something else that needs repair first? We don’t answer it for you, and we don’t assume staying is the goal. What we do is help you get real clarity, separating fear of change from genuine incompatibility, checking in with your own boundaries, and giving you the information to decide with your eyes open instead of drifting for another five years.
Where this work happens: For Couples
RelatingWise offers coaching and education, not therapy. Anything that needs clinical care belongs with a therapist; Patricia works as one in her own practice at patricia-heinis.de.
A note on who this is for: we write in terms of couples and partners for simplicity, but this applies just as much to every gender, orientation, and relationship form, whatever fits your individual situation.